When you walk out of a meeting questioning your own sanity, you need to know the truth about gaslighting at work. Attorney Alreen Haeggquist, founder and managing partner of Haeggquist & Eck, LLP, is a powerhouse advocate who digs right into this pervasive and psychologically damaging workplace issue, breaking down what it is—and what it absolutely is not. Discover the subtle red flags often missed, how gender and power dynamics amplify the abuse, and the critical steps you must take to reclaim your self-trust, including exactly when to document, speak up, or call a lawyer. This is your masterclass in protecting your mental clarity, emotional boundaries, and professional rights to truly heal after being undermined. Take your negative trauma and turn it into power.
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Gaslighting At Work: Power, Boundaries, And Knowing Your Rights With Attorney Alreen Haeggquist
Have you ever walked out of a meeting or even a conversation, asking yourself, “Did that really just happen? Did that conversation just take place and it’s on me?” I am joined by someone who has spent her career naming the patterns most workplaces would rather ignore. Founder and Managing Partner of Haeggquist & Eck, LLP, Alreen Haeggquist, is a powerhouse Attorney and she’s a fierce advocate for employee rights, specializing in one of the most pervasive, misunderstood and psychologically damaging issues in the workplace nowadays, gaslighting.
Here’s the truth that most people don’t realize. Gaslighting at work doesn’t always look dramatic. More often, it’s subtle, it’s strategic, and it’s designed to make brilliant, completely capable people question their own competence, their memories, and sometimes their sanity. As someone who’s gone through this, I was hot to have this conversation, so Alreen and I dig right into what workplace gaslighting actually is and what it absolutely is not.
What those early red flags people often miss because they’re conditioned to be a team player, nice. How gender, age, and power dynamics make gaslighting harder to name and even harder to prove. Why self-doubt is the gaslight’s greatest weapon. How to reclaim trust in your own voice and exactly when to document, speak up or call a lawyer. There actually is a right time and what leaders and HR folks must do to stop enabling toxic power structure. We’ve done a lot of talking about it. It’s time to start really doing it.
Finally, how to heal, truly heal, after you’ve been psychologically undermined at work. This is a masterclass in protecting your mental clarity, your emotional boundaries, and your professional rights. As my episode with Amira Barger was all about being nice, it’s a reminder that nice is not the same as safe and that harmony doesn’t mean health. If you’ve ever felt talked over or talked down to or quietly dismantled by a boss, colleague, or a system, you’re not imagining it and you’re not alone. Let’s get into it and help you out.
I’m excited to dive into what I think, sadly, is such an important topic for us. That has to do with gaslighting at work. Sadly, it happens still far too often, knowing your boundaries, protecting and understanding your rights, and frankly stepping up and just embracing your power. Who better to share so much wisdom behind each of these topics but our guest, that is the Founding and Managing Partner, Alreen Haeggquist of Haeggquist & Eck, LLP. Alreen, thank you for agreeing to come on board and share the pearls with us.
Thank you so much for having me. I’m excited to be here.
From Trauma To Power: The Personal Root Of Fighting For Employee Rights
I’m going to just jump right on in because there’s so much ground we have to cover and it’s all relevant, incredibly. Let’s start with your a-ha moment. You’ve built this career fighting for people who’ve been silenced and undermined or dismissed, and often by those in power. What drew you to this work in the first place, and what keeps you in it when the cases get hard? It might feel like, “Are we making any traction?”
For me, my a-ha moment was when I started my own process of healing. I was abused as a child. When that came to fruition of not dismissing my trauma anymore and dismissing my abuse anymore, but having the awareness that that happened to me, and that’s leading to the consequences that I was experiencing as an adult, that was one of the moments where I recognized the things that happened to you leave lasting consequences. Even though you didn’t create them, you have the ability to change the trajectory of where you go with them.
The things that happened to you leave lasting consequences. Even though you didn't create them, you have the ability to change the trajectory of where you go with them. Share on XThat really is what keeps me motivated in doing the work I do. The work I do is I have a law firm. I represent women in cases of sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination, gender discrimination. I’m motivated to continue doing that work because I can see where they start from, which is this very hopeless and helpless place, and where they end up at the end of the case, feeling empowered and finding their voice. When I realize how much power there is once you realize you have the power in really changing a person’s life to live their best life, it keeps me going when the tough gets tough.
Also, think of all the generations you’re impacting from present forward on, from that moment, dismissing and canceling out what was past ancestral really toxic patterns.
Even with my daughter right now with the Epstein files. She’s a thirteen-year-old girl asking what the Epstein files was. I was explaining it to her, and then she is like, “Why don’t the women that it happened to just say something?” “They did.” “Why don’t we just get the information from the internet?” “It doesn’t exist that way. What it is, people still want some other proof. They don’t just believe the person anymore.”
Just having that conversation and it makes me feel good, even though it’s like I’m sorry I’m having to have this conversation, but it makes me feel good because for her, it’s so foreign to think that people wouldn’t believe you when you said this horrible thing happened to you. I’m hoping that continues where it is going to be so foreign to this next generation that it’s not possible for somebody to make this stuff up.
What Is Gaslighting? The Manipulation At The Core Of The Issue
I was at a speaking and I made reference to the Imposter Syndrome and the young listener said, “What’s the Imposter Syndrome?” I thought, “May you never know what that is.” It’s a tender little window. Before we go further, I always believe words and definitions really matter. Would you mind defining clearly what gaslighting is at work?
Sure. I think what happens with it, it became like this new term that people started using, but gaslighting is just manipulation. Just think of gaslighting as manipulation. It’s manipulating you to think that your reality didn’t happen or it didn’t happen the way you’re feeling like it happened. People try to dismiss that.
In the workplace, gaslighting comes up, or manipulation comes up is when you report somebody. They engaged in bad behavior, “He touched me, he harassed me,” and the response is, “No, he couldn’t have done that. Why would he ever do that to you?” It could be in a situation where you report something and all of a sudden, you are the worst employee that ever existed. Now you have all these performance issues that you never knew about or they try to tell you, “We take sexual harassment really seriously at the workplace. We have zero tolerance policy. Anybody who engages in the conduct will be terminated.”
The person engages in the conduct and they’re not terminated. That makes you believe it’s not that bad, or the company does accept it or their policies aren’t true. It isn’t for a legal cause of action. You can’t sue somebody for gaslighting or manipulation. In all of these types of cases of sexual harassment, retaliation, wrongful termination, gender discrimination, you see gaslighting occur as part of the defense in every single case. That’s where it shows up. When you think of the definition, I would just think of it as manipulation. I think people understand that a little bit more.
It certainly is much more familiar. One of the most frustrating things to me is that you can’t be fired for bad management. When I would sit down and chat and I was always told, “This all may be true.” Yes, clearly this is correct, but sadly, you can’t fire someone for being a bad manager. I thought, “Maybe you could if it’s impacting performance and all your key people are leaving.”
To that end, what are some of the red flags? Are there some subtle and often easy-to-miss signs that someone might be getting gaslit by a boss or a colleague or institution? Is there a way people can tell the difference between, as you were just saying, tough feedback, performance reviews and manipulative behavior aside from just timing?
I think it’s also what’s being said. For example, like, “Kate, I saw that you didn’t show up on time these past five days. What can we do about it? Is something impacting the reason you’re coming in late?” Versus, “I can never rely upon you. You’re not reliable. So many other people are more reliable than you. I can never count on you.” You’re like, “Where is that coming from?” One gives you really objective, concrete details of how you didn’t perform. The other way is really to attack you and to undermine you without any ability to grow from it. That means nothing to you, that you’re not reliable. That just makes you feel bad about yourself and question your self-worth there.
Gender, Age, And Race: How Power Dynamics Amplify Gaslighting
One is the issue at hand versus it’s a personal attack and it’s done and over and it takes it to such a massive extreme. Do gender dynamics play a role here? Do they amplify gaslighting or make it harder to name and report, for instance?
Gaslighting feeds off a power imbalance. When you have a power imbalance, it’s more likely to have gaslighting. Women are also taught, and the way we grow up is to be polite. Don’t rock the boat. Don’t make it bad. We internalize things into like, “Maybe it is my fault. Maybe I am the one to do it.” When somebody tells you you’re not reliable, it’s like, “The boss is telling me I’m not reliable. I guess I’m not,” or, “The boss is telling me that I’m not smart enough and I can’t do the job. I guess that means I’m not, and I can’t say anything to him because he’s the boss and I have to listen.”
Gaslighting feeds off a power imbalance. When you have a power imbalance, you are more likely to have gaslighting. Share on XI think that’s how it comes into play. There’s already the power imbalance there. The person with power is telling you something that you have been taught believe that you’re supposed to listen to and be polite and just take it. I think that’s how it plays a role. The same thing with when it comes up with age and race.
The young people are told to listen to their elders. Elders are frequently told they don’t know what’s happening. They don’t know what’s going on in the world. That comes into play and then with race, racial gaslighting, “Don’t play the race card. Don’t make it a big deal. You’re just seeing it the wrong way. I didn’t mean it that way.” Those are all forms of gaslighting, but they play a bigger role when you are a person of the opposite race.
Reclaiming Your Reality: What To Do When You Start Questioning Yourself
It’s incredibly frustrating to also witness it and also be the subject of it, which I have. You stated it. There comes a time when you hear it enough. You do start to question yourself. The reason why gaslighting even works in the first place is because it totally erodes your self-trust, which is infuriating. What advice or what should someone do when they actually find themselves starting to think, “Maybe I am the problem?”
I think the applies for both when you’re questioning whether you’re the problem or even when you’re having negative self-talk in your mind. You have to ask yourself, “Is that really true?” I think we know by now what our voices tell us doesn’t make it true. What we tell ourselves just because we’re having the thought doesn’t make it true. You have to ask yourself, “Is it true?” What evidence do you have of it?
I think then going back on prior email communications, what did this person tell me before I reported the situation or before this moment? What did it look like before? What are my performance reviews? What have they been telling me about the performance? What have other people said about this person who is now telling me I’m the problem? Having friends or colleagues to do that gut check with like, “This is what he said. What do you think? Where do you think this is coming from?” Having somebody that you can confide in and trust really to check you. Evidence-based.
Who also knows you so well so that they actually could be honest with you and say, “A little bit on this, absolutely. This, absolutely not,” and course correct too. That enables you to see, as we just said, more the feedback piece. I know with all of this, when you find yourself in this situation, incredibly important to know your rights legally and frankly, practically. When should someone document, speak up or seek legal counsel?
I think it’s always important to keep things documented. When you’re in a situation, it’s better to write it down, even if it’s just an email to yourself of what’s going on because usually there’s a feeling that you’re having. You’re not feeling good about whatever the situation is. When you’re having that feeling, whether it’s a legal action or not, or whatever it may be, just make a note to yourself. I think email it to yourself is the best way to document the situation. If you start seeing a pattern like, “This keeps happening to me,” then it might be a time for you to report.
I think knowing what your legal rights are is always a good time. I don’t think there’s ever a bad time to know it. I do think knowing your legal rights is power, so that when you know what your rights are in the workplace, you go in with a lot more confidence of what’s acceptable and what’s not. I don’t think there’s any problem with getting an attorney or a workplace advocate to advise you. I’m like, “What’s appropriate and what’s not?”
Taking Action: Common Mistakes And How The Defense Attacks Your Credibility
What are some of the most common mistakes people make when they finally say, “I am going to take action. I’m ready to go?”
I don’t know if there are common mistakes. I just think people let it fester for a really long time before they do anything. That, again, goes back to not wanting to rock the boat, not wanting to put their career on jeopardy. They take it for a lot longer, I think, than they should or need to. When you do it right away, it’s like, “You’re just making this up. That’s not how it was.” When you wait a long time, it’s like, “They’ve been here for years and this is the same conduct has been going on forever and it’s never been an issue. Now they’re making it an issue for some other reason.” I guess my point is it doesn’t matter when you bring it up. They’re still going to attack you for doing it at the time, either way.
Get ready for that. It doesn’t mean you’re wrong.
How they defend these claims is to attack you. I think you document it and when you’re not feeling good in your environment, find out why. I was just reporting this manager harassing or being inappropriate just the other day against somebody else. Now all of a sudden, they told me that I didn’t make my sales goal even though I did or now they’re telling me I can’t go on this business trip even though it was planned forever. If you start noticing those patterns, you might then want to take it up to HR and be like, “This seems like it was retaliatory because this just happened.” Let them investigate, and then you’re putting it back on them to look into the situation, do the work.
I totally understand how uncomfortable it would be to bring it up, no one likes conflict.
People are scared of losing their job, which I totally understand.
At the same time, this is how people get sick because your body just goes in, and that’s why it’s called dis-ease because you’re in this constant state of fight or flight and survival mode, which just totally does a number on your adrenals and all that cortisol.
You’re not supposed to do that. You’re not supposed to have that effect when you go to work to make a living. That’s not how you’re supposed to be showing up. That’s what I mean. People just continue to dismiss it because they want to keep the job. They don’t want to rock the boat. It’s realizing you don’t have to go to work like that. You actually do have rights in the workplace. Employers do have to do certain things to make you feel safe and protected at work.
Also, this is another thing. I can just imagine, if you don’t report something right away, I can just hear someone saying, “What all of a sudden made you decide now is the time? You obviously have been fine. Now you have a note against you. Is that why?” I can see how it could be a very slippery slope.
All I’m saying is they do it regardless. That’s how they defend their claims. I always say this with my clients. In every case, deny that it happened. That is the first line of defense. “No, didn’t happen. Don’t know what you’re talking about. That never happened.” They are presented with evidence. There’s the document or there’s the email, or there’s a witness or whatever it may be. There’s something where they can’t deny it anymore. That denial isn’t working.
“They asked for it, they consented to it, they welcomed it, they wanted it,” whatever it may be. The third line is always to attack your credibility. “You’re just making it up. You’re out for a payday, you were going to retire anyways, and now you’re looking for your retirement funds. You’re just out to get this guy. You want to ruin his career.”
There’s always going to be an attack on your credibility. That’s just how they defend their claims, because they don’t ever just say, “We could have done better.” You see that in our world now. If you could just acknowledge that that wasn’t okay, and you made a mistake, or you made a poor choice, or you behaved inappropriately, or whatever it may be, if you just acknowledge what you did and try to do better, I think that would change the dynamics of where we’re at. People don’t do that. They just deny it and attack you.
Leadership Accountability: Stopping Toxic Culture And Setting The Standard
No culpability. You talked a little bit about HR and such. What can those in power do to themselves, recognize and stop gaslighting within their teams or their cultures?
I just think with everything, even with all of our policies and behavior, it all has to come from leadership. Leadership has to make that important. If the leaders believe it’s important to build teams that aren’t being manipulative or aren’t gaslighting, then they can provide coaching. They can provide training because not everybody goes to management school. They become managers because of their circumstances or the situation.
If you don’t care to learn how to be a manager, or the leaders who make other people managers don’t care about making sure they know how to do it and what to do and what’s important to managing people, then they don’t think that’s ever going to change. I just think that in cultures, if leadership thinks it’s important and wants to change the culture, they can do it by coaching and training for themselves and for their team.
Of course, one of the things that makes this so difficult is that multiple generations have different palettes. For some groups, it is not a bother. To your point earlier, “That’s not a thing. That’s not a what I meant. That’s not what I said,” but it is. I can see how it is just such a big, huge, convoluted fur ball.
That’s the case. When people say, “I didn’t mean it that way and you took it the wrong way.” Also, “This is what it means. This is how it came across. This is how it makes me feel. This is why it’s offensive.” If that other person can say, “I didn’t know that. I’m sorry. I won’t do that again,” then they don’t do it again, that’s one thing. You don’t get to continue doing it and then tell the other person, “You’re just reading too much into it. You’re making a big deal out of it.”
“You’re being hypersensitive.” It’s that open listening that I think all of us, both in personal and professional and external world life could really learn a great deal from so that we can actually hear, because the truth of the matter is you can be wrong. I hate to tell everybody, but you might be. Just keep an open mind and an open heart. As a leader, then, how do I rebuild trust in a workplace after it’s been broken like that? That takes time and consistency.
I always think you have to model it as well. Leadership also not only has to provide the training, but they have to model the behavior. What we were just talking about, when a leader makes a mistake, they have to be able to acknowledge like, “I’m sorry, I could have done better. I’ll be more mindful of your feelings next time or the circumstances how this might come across.” I think modeling behavior builds trust because then they see it in action. Not only with that person, but how you interact with other members on your team. I just think by modeling behavior, you can build the trust back with the people that are on your team.
Also, just really doing what you say you’re going to do. I would also potentially say something.
Bystander mentality. I agree, but also, the bystanders face that same thing, which is they’re scared of their job or how are they taking it? They also go through that same line of questioning that the person experiencing it does.
Rebuilding Confidence: Small Steps To Reclaim Your Voice After Workplace Abuse
Let’s say now you’re a person who has experienced workplace gaslighting and it’s been acknowledged and you’re getting ready to go on the other side of it. What are some ways that you can rebuild your confidence and voice, I’m going to say personally and professionally?
You just take small steps. I think it’s hard to know it was just that environment or just that people. Now being in that other space or another environment and testing it out using your voice, it’s not reciprocated in the way it was before. Going back and like seeing how you’re performing and what other people think of your performance is another way to rebuild your trust. I always think having allies, like friends, therapists. Having a good therapist to help you work through some of those issues is always to rebuild.
Also, to have grace and compassion and patience, I would think, too, for others. Everything’s so crazy right now in the outside world. What goes out in the world impacts us personally, but also professionally. Within the workplace environment, are we at any turning point in how organizations handle psychological harm and power abuse? I feel like 1 step forward, 8 steps back sometimes.
We are on a show right now talking about gaslighting. I have to believe the world is changing. This wasn’t something that we talked about when we entered the workforce. That’s why I think it’s changing. People are having actual conversations about it and thinking about how is this showing up? How is this impacting my workplace? To me, I feel like workplaces and culture is changing by the sheer fact that we’re acknowledging it and having conversations about it.
What Gives You Hope? The Next Generation’s Awareness
We’ve given it a name, which is a huge step forward. What gives you hope about this whole next generation of employees and then I’m going to say the generation of leaders as well?
I base it off of the children coming up. Seeing my daughter, she gives me a lot of hope. The fact that I’m having these conversations with her, she’s entering the world with this knowledge already, where I had to learn it 20 to 30 years later. She’s entering it with these names, with how it looks like, with the awareness, with the acknowledgement, and also knowing they don’t want that in their workplace.
That gives me a lot of hope that they’re having the conversations at a really early age where I wasn’t having it until I was a lot older. As I said, the example I gave you before, some of our behaviors is like, “What? Why would you do that? Why wouldn’t somebody believe her when she said she came forward and said this?” That’s what gives me hope.
I’ve got to just say, too, and I didn’t spend time, but I wanted to acknowledge what you experienced at an early age. I’m really sorry about that. That shouldn’t happen to anyone. It happens far too often. I’ve got to say, and my audience knows, I love alchemy where you turn lead into gold. In this case, just making this negative, which could have just completely devastated you forever and ever on men, and instead saying, “I’m going to make it better so that other people don’t have to experience this.” I just really want to commend you and acknowledge that.
Thank you. We didn’t really touch on that too much just for your readers. I came from an abusive home, like I said, and it was my father that was abusive and all the various ways, including being sexually abusive. What Kate’s talking about is changing that where that didn’t define me. Right now, I’m taking something that happened to me and using it to help other people because I know, one, the consequences that you suffer when you experience something like that.
Two, what’s possible when you start taking steps to heal yourself from what happened, changing that around. That’s really why I do the work I do. I want women to feel really good about their place in the world because they should. Something has just taken that from you and just to get back to that place because there’s so much potential when once you get there. Thank you for recognizing that and acknowledging it.
Trust Your Gut: Life Advice On The Power Of Therapy
It’s one of those things where I think, and this is a perfect example in this conversation, and the work that you’re doing is that eventually, there is a way where you can and have the power to fill that gap or that hole and/or go in a whole different direction and then it just opens you up. Sadly, it is often the leaping point. It’s just a shame that it has to kick off that way. Knowing what you know now, what would you tell your younger self? Advice, sure, because that’s a classic question of mine, but also about trusting her gut.
I tell myself that and my daughter all the time, to trust her gut, but I think for me, for what I wish I would’ve known as my younger self is about therapy and not putting therapy in this negative box that if I go to therapy, I’m admitting something’s wrong with me. As opposed to using therapy as a tool to process the vast amount of things that come at you on a daily basis. Whether you experience child abuse or sexual abuse, or not just therapy isn’t this like, negative thing for people that are broken. Therapy is just another tool that people use to better their place mentally in the world that we live in.
Therapy is just another tool that people use to better their place mentally in the world that we live in. Share on XThe sooner we get rid of the stigma around anything having to do with mental health, because, to me, the irony with all of that is it takes such courage in the first place to even admit. There’s an awful lot of humility and vulnerability in that. To take the time to really just address it finally once and for all head on, and to have that determination and tenacity to see it through, it’s so imperative. It puts the power back in the hands of the rightful owner.
That’s what I tell my inner self. “Therapy’s a good thing. It’s going to help you.”
Use it. It can be your absolute best. Alreen, thank you so much for great advice. Is there anything else you would like to add?
I don’t think so. I don’t think there’s anything else I’d like to add. I feel like we touched on a lot of things. I appreciate you having this show and having me on.
It’s my pleasure. Readers, you’ve got to know my KB Takeaways, chock-o-block. Just saying. We have Alreen’s contact information, so do reach out to her if you have any other questions about any of this or you have a friend who is experiencing some of this, because, as we learned, best to jump on it right now, get that power back in your hands. All right. Thanks again.
All right. Thank you.
Until next time.
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KB Takeaways: Key Lessons On Gaslighting, Power, And Healing
I hope you got as much out of that conversation regarding gaslighting as I did with Alreen Haeggquist. I will say really quickly in synopsis, one, I’ve been a victim of it before it was even called gaslighting. It’s so important to understand the difference of what creates and what kind of situation feeds gaslighting. It all starts with an environment where there’s a huge imbalance of power. There’s a cat-and-mouse lack of clarity and lack of transparency that takes place, hence that imbalance of power. When feedback is coming back or there are complaints, it’s much more personal in nature, does not address and provide the issue at hand and a motive perhaps shifting to another outcome.
If you find yourself in this situation, first question you ought to ask yourself is, “Do I know this to be true?” Start taking a look back and doing a little forensic audit, frankly, on connecting dots and situations and seeing there is a pattern here? Was there something I did or were there other things I did that led to this?
It is up to leaders to and be the change you want the world to be. Make sure that you have regular check-ins. If you sense a shift in behavior and interaction, address it right away. For those who are feeling gaslit, you’re better off to address it sooner than later. Otherwise, people will just say, “You put up with it. Now, what happened?” You have much more leverage when you do.
Lastly, therapy. Therapy is a tool to process that which we do not understand. That’s what it is. There are no stigmas to it. The sooner we all start supporting each other where you need an objective shoulder, heart, ears to listen to the situation at hand, the better. With that, I wish you a gaslight-free life, but in the event, I hope this has been helpful so you know how you can handle it. If you have any questions, you know how to reach me. Of course, Alreen’s contact information is included as well. Until next time, I look forward to continuing the conversation.
Important Links
- Alreen Haeggquist
- The Price Of Nice: Edelman EVP And Author, Amira Barger On Courage, Communication, And Redefining Strength
- Haeggquist & Eck, LLP
About Alreen Haeggquist
Alreen Haeggquist wakes up each day with a fervent passion to advocate for women who suffer from sexual abuse, harassment or discrimination. As a lawyer with 21 years of experience, she has recovered millions of dollars for clients in cases involving sexual harassment, discrimination, retaliation and wrongful termination. Alreen has an unwavering commitment to not allow wealth, power, influence, and status to exempt anyone from the rules of society.
Alreen‘s father was a terrifying presence, who subjected her to sexual, physical and verbal abuse. Despite knowing, her mother remained silent. Darkness loomed within Alreen, leading to depression and multiple suicide attempts. From fear and shame, she stayed silent, never telling a soul. Typical victim behavior.
Motivated by the pains of her childhood, Alreen became a lawyer in order to stand up for victims of abuse. She founded her own firm, Haeggquist & Eck, LLP in San Diego in 2008. Her firm has helped hundreds of women stand up for themselves and they are the vast majority of her clients. She was challenged high profile entities including The Salk Institute, Trader Joe’s, Kaiser Permanente, the San Diego Sheriff‘s Department, and a President elect.
Alreen’s core message is as a society we need to break the silence, and help women stand up to their abusers. In 2023. Alreen broke her silence and published her story in the book, Fired Up: Fueling Triumph from Trauma.